Who Am I?

I wrote this last night...

Why is it that I turn 28 and I loose who I am as a person? I have started to question everything and I don't take any risks anymore. I'm scared of failing or getting hurt. I'm insecure. What has happened to me? What has made me this way? I have many years in front of me, yet I am acting like its over. My window of opportunity hasn't closed yet, so why am I acting like it has? I stopped trying to find a new job because I was scared of failing. I felt that going into a public school I would find out that I am not good at my job. I felt like I would be criticized for doing everything wrong. I worry that my relationship is falling apart. I worry that I am not good enough, that I bore him, that he isn't all that into me. Why am I acting the way that I am right now? I have never been this way. I have always been proud of who I am and what I am doing. I used to just go with the wind and not care what the outcome would be. I used to take risks and not worry about how it is going to affect my life. Now I do worry about life and what is going to happen. Is that called growing up? Is that what an adult is supposed to be? Am I in a transition phase and I don't know what to do? Life is made up of many roads, why am I having such a hard time picking which one to go down? I feel like I am standing in the middle trying to figure everything out and in the mean time I am just going to miss out on everything. That is the worst feeling for me to feel left out or missing out on something. Ever since I was little I wanted and needed to know everything that is going on. Even today I tried to ease drop on some co-workers just to figure out what was going on. I don't want to be left out. How do I overcome this hump that I am in? I need to take a stand, I need to take risks, and I need to put myself out there and pick a damn road and not care what is going to happen. I need to stop being scared of everything. I need to take back control of my life and live it. No regrets. I always said I would live by that rule.

I had a breakdown this weekend and was put back into place yesterday. I dont know what in the hell happened to me this weekend. I freaked out about everything. For once I stepped out of the box and looked at myself. I need to take control of my life and of me. I need to be that happy girl that just lived life and didnt care of the outcome because you can always take another route in the end. I think this whole being out of school is getting to me. To much time to sit and think. I need to start doing things. I took the first step today and went to the gym. I will go everyday this week! I am going to sit down and get every stinkin project that I have either finished or started on. I am going to start being ME!!

Shats OUT! @ 9:17 AM